John Mayer: Not Speaking From Personal Experience or Anything

"If a man really wanted to get away with cheating on his woman, he'd store his other girls' name in his phone as "low battery."" -- @johncmayer

Weird Al: It's Been Awhile, But They're Back in Style

"The Oscars now pick 10 nominations for Best Picture, which means Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel has a fighting chance." -- @alyankovic

Alvin, Simon... Theodore!

Katy Perry: She Won't Be Tardy for the Party

"leaving for Atlanta this week, crossing my fingers that one OR several of the housewives of ATL will be inviting me over for dinner, please?" -- @katyperry

Kirstie Alley: Someone Has Sweet Dreams...

"GOOD NITE SLEEP TIGHT AND TURN OFF YOUR LITE...and if you're really lucky you'll get a Jamie Foxx bite...and a good shag" -- @kirstiealley

Lisa Rinna: That's Gotta Sting

"Doing the joy behar show tomorrow I got bumped today by Levi and his johnston." -- @lisarinna

Stephen Colbert: Branding - It Gets You on Fox

"now that the teabaggers are sending rubber chickens to congress, they should start calling themselves chicken chockers" -- @stephenathome

Talib Kweli: Try Saying This 5 Times Fast

"The planet occupation standard operation planned abomination, we want your land we will bomb your nation (still in the lab!)" -- @realtalibkweli

Yoko Ono: Best Pick Up Line Ever

"Make your heart dance for a while and your life will change in a big way. One day we'll all dance together. Alright?" -- @yokoono

David Pogue: Hates the Player, and the Game?

"My wife: "What kind of game is 'DJ Hero'? It must be like, 'Quick--I'll put on *this* CD! Now I'll put on *this* CD!'" :)" -- @pogue

Celebrity Tweet of the Week - Tiger Woods Edition

Many of our favorite celebrity twits let their opinions be heard in 160 characters or less about Tiger Woods' duff onto the rough. But the best tweet goes to...

JOAN RIVERS!
"I think it's going to be hard for Tiger Woods to save face when he's got a stripper sitting on it." -- @joan_rivers

Honorable Mentions:
Questlove: Get Dr. Huxtable on the case!
Michael Ian Black: Sports metaphors are a comic's best friend

Shaq: Not So Secret Santa

"opps i dropped a signed sports illustrated n da west side market, findas keepas" -- @THE_REAL_SHAQ

Meghan McCain: It's Got Great Apps, Gorgeous Interface... But Conversation Kinda Lacks

"just told an apple genius that I " want to be in love w my iPhone but I'm not yet"" -- @mccainblogette

Margaret Cho: What Should We Do Baby, About Us?

"Meridith baxter let's go out please!!!!!" -- @margaretcho

shalalala!

Kim Kardashian: Reach Out and Bedazzle Someone

"I am 29, am I too old to bling out my phone? I just got the new tmobile Blackberry Bold phone & I want to bling it out so badly" -- @kimkardashian

Jessica Simpson: Man, I Hate When That Happens

"You know your flight is just not gonna take off for a while when the pilot comes back to have a 4- course meal with you" -- @jessicasimpson

Heidi Montag: Tied Tubes - a Gift for Everyone...

"i need help thinking of Christmas gifts for my hubby Spencer !?? any good suggestions ??" -- @heidimontag

Jenny McCarthy: The Real Reason Gaga Doesn't Wear Pants

"I'm in love with lady gaga. If I was in my twenties I would stalk her and make her pee on my foot. Lol. She's hot." -- @JennyFromMTV

Reverend Run: Wait! I Didn't Run That Red Light Officer - God Was at the Wheel!

"(2nites prayer) Order my footsteps Lord:: Let God drive ,your ride will be much smoother!" -- @RevRunWisdom

Fabolous: Second, or Third Coolest Guy Around

"Damn I was the man in this restaurant til Shaq & Lebron walked in.. Smh.. Lol.. Check Please!! Lol" -- @myfabolouslife

Dita Von Teese: Takes Primping Up a Few Degrees

"You know you're wearing a lot if eyeliner when you need to blow-dry it." -- @ditavonteese

Dane Cook: Vocab Tutor

Word of the day: transgressions. Use: I had the hottest transgressions with a slutty nobody. Hoping I don't catch scrutiny. --@DaneCook

Lady Gaga: Wonder What the Queen Ate to Meet Her

Nothin like a whiskey, fish + chips in the UK to prepare for the Queen --@ladygaga

Lindsay Lohan: Nicole Might Not Want Her to Babysit With That Mouth

@nicolerichie miss you-that picture was so fuking amazing... send harlow my love, let's get together soon... plz bella? xo --@LindsayLohan

Bethenny Frankel: Craves Focused Cravings

Now what the hell is happening?I'm obsessing over cup of noodles or ramen.4th day of some kind of noodle.I have craving A D D. --@Bethenny

Kirstie Alley: It's a Tough Christmas This Year

Back to work... Santa has 44 to my head --@KirstieAlley

Nicole Richie: In-Laws Are a Bitch

"http://twitpic.com/s2kr4 - So sick of @benjaminmadden coming over to visit the fam. This has to stop" -- @nicolerichie

Serena Williams: Yeah, Probably

"So guys- am I the only one that hates the gym???" -- @serenajwilliams

Joan Rivers: Is That Sparkle on Your Chin?

"I think it's going to be hard for Tiger Woods to save face when he's got a stripper sitting on it." -- @joan_rivers

Michael Moore: Brezhnev Would Be SO Jealous

"Did candidate Obama promise 2 have more troops in Afghanistan than the Soviets did during their occupation? Well, he's topped them now. Sad." -- @mmflint

Ryan Seacrest: Now Why Is "How to Become a Pool Boy" Trending in Google?

"Rihanna says the pool boy does see her naked when she's drinking coconut juice. She always forgets what days he comes over!" -- @ryanseacrest

Britney Spears: Guessing She Wasn't on Oceanic Flight 815

"Just got home. Flew on V Australia. I think these planes might be the most comfortable planes I have ever been on. -Britney" -- @britneyspears

Adrianne Curry: Is Rebranding Really Necessary?

"Vagina should change to Velfet....just sounds better ;)" -- @adriannecurry

Solange Knowles: Thanks for the Heads Up

"Just blew a snot bubble." -- @solangeknowles

Russell Brand: False Advertising Is Dangerous

"At "Berkley Square Ball"- which isn't in Berkley Square- what a swizz. Next they'll be asking me for one of me balls." -- @rustyrockets

Sarah Palin: Next, We Tackle the "Theory" That the Earth Revolves Around the Sun

"Stand by for Facebook entry on Obama's climate change "experts" & their latest shenanigans. Thank God "Climategate" truth is being revealed!" -- @sarahpalinusa

Pink: Oh, You Shouldn't Have. Really.

"Upside to not being able to sleep on a tourbus: truck stop raids at 5 am. Christmas presents!!! The really bad kind. My favorite:)" -- @pink

Demi Moore: You Two Should Get a Room... That Doesn't Have Internet Access

"http://twitpic.com/s2bjm RT @aplusk: http://bit.ly/4Xh4De RT @mrskutcher: is it http://bit.ly/566UFw" -- @mrskutcher

Tila Tequila: Also Written in the 2nd Floor Girl's Bathroom in Black Sharpie

"BREAKING NEWS: RIHANNA HAS HERPES!!!!! OMG! - http://tinyurl.com/yhre5ao -Reweet" -- @officialtila

P Diddy: Wants to Get His Hands on Perez Hilton's Rock Collection

"Ye without sin cast the 1st stone!!!! Put down your rocks sinners!!!!!" -- @iamdiddy

Rainn Wilson: Crazy, But Not Anal

"I would totally be a serial killer, but Im too sloppy and would just get caught so what's the point..." -- @rainnwilson

Rose McGowan: Don't Hold Back Now

"Go fuck yourself RT @MrBrianGraves: @rosemcgowan You're kinda shallow and trying too hard." -- @rosemcgowan

Michael Ian Black: Sport Metaphors Never Fail

"Trying to figure out a Tiger Woods joke. All I know is the punchline: "A hole in one." Probably something to do with a vag." -- @michaelianblack

Padma Lakshmi: Don't Hate Her for Being Beautiful, Rich, Talented, a Great Cook... and Smart to Boot

"headed to Boston Friday to speak at MIT about endometriosis and to celebrate the new gynepathology research center at Harvard and MIT!" -- @

LL Cool J: Dream, or Nightmare?

"Ryan Seacrest and Ellen K just told me there's a lot of blood, sweat, and guts between dreams and success. Very cool.." -- @

Andrew WK: Dance Off, Underpants Off

"PARTY TIP: I don't mean to be inappropriate, but if you really want to party hard today, I suggest wearing NO UNDERWEAR!" -- @andrewWK

Alyssa Milano: That's Why They Call Them Computer Viruses

"It seems a lot of you are sick as well. Hope my tweets didn't give you my cold. Feel better! ~GROUPSICKPEOPLEHUG~" -- @Alyssa_Milano

Lady Gaga: Best Served Warm, With a Side of Baked Beans

"Boston ate my heart, and I don't want it back" -- @ladygaga

Chris Kattan: Free to Be You and Me

"Wait, I didn't know you can say fuck on twitter? Yeah!! An outlet!!" -- @chriskattan

Denise Richards: Until They Read Mommy's Twitter Page...

"my girls made a VERY long list for Christmas..lots of American Girl dolls. I love that they believe in Santa" -- @deniserichards

Judah Friedlander: Good Source of Protien

"I ate my annoying nutritionist." -- @judahworldchamp

Tila Tequila: Twitter - the New Personal Assistant

"omggggggg I NEED BUBBLE GUM! I can't write GREAT NEWS without chewing bubble gum!!!!!!! Someone get me BUBBLE GUM QUICK so we can hear news!" -- @officialtila

Aubrey O'Day: By Man, You Mean Stalker, Right?

"when a man really wants you, he will come after you like a hawk in the night... killing everything in his path!" -- @AubreyODay

Christina Applegate: Not to Mention Scrunchies and Neon

"Actually watched Don't tell Mom the babysitter's dead for the 1st time. Had forgotten how the early 90's produced such awesome eyebrows haha" -- @1capplegate

Diablo Cody : Odor Achiever

It's an achievement to get your clothes to smell like cat litter when you don't have any cats. --@DiabloCody

Thomas Lennon: Gotta Check the Date on That

Should have checked the date on the can of Whoop Ass before I opened it on that guy... Smelled more like sauerkraut. --@ThomasLennon

Snoop Dogg - Coolest Dog Pound in Town

damn my family fly --@SnooppDogg

John Mayer: Prioritizes

I've got two women texting me they want to come over. What's that, Modern Warfare 2? You understand me? Done. Night, ladies!!! --@JohnCMayer

Questo: Read the News Today, Oh Boy....

*wakes up*....*looks @ twitter*....*facepalms cosby style*...."why tiger WHY?!!?!?" --@questlove

Reverend Run: Have I Tweeted Lately That I Love You?

"If loving the tweople on twitter is wrong,, i dont wanna be right!" -- @revrunwisdom

Paris HIlton: We Finally Find Out Who 'Splash' Was Based On...

"http://twitpic.com/rqm5p - Mermaids Rock!" -- @parishilton

Weird Al: There's Still Thanksgiving Turkey in the Fridge, for Crying Out Loud!

"This is getting crazy - some stores already have their Christmas 2010 decorations up!" -- @alyankovich

Taylor Swift: Like She Really Needs 50 Cents

"If I had a dime for every time my producer and I blurt out the same thing at the same time, followed by an awkward,uncoordinated high five.." -- @taylorswift13

Sandra Bernhard: He Must Get That All the Time

"i mistook deepok chopra for michael musto on the view today somehow the two of them from the eliptical trainer look very similar, anyway" -- @sandrabernhard

Sarah Palin: Thx America! U R Gr8! Mwah!

"Much 2 b thankful 4 as Americans,most free people on earth!More opportunity 4 happiness/health/prosperity thx to our liberating Constitution" -- @sarahpalinusa

Talib Kweli: It's a Real Showcase Showdown

"Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta smack a b*tch? On the Price Is Right? Come on down!" -- @

Ralph Macchio: Love Hurts

"Ah hell, there goes MY Sunday, RT Breaking News: Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up!" -- @ralphmacchio

George Lopez: Place Your Hands Away From the Shovel

"I couldn't Plant a tree without having to explain to the police ..." -- @georgelopez

John Mayer: Who's the Boss?

"I wish the mob were still around. "Mr.Mayer would prefer you not photograph him today," or "Mr.Mayer has taken a shining to your wife."" @johncmayer
about 22 hours ago from Twittelator

""Mr. Mayer is interested in test driving your wheelchair - it amuses him."" -- @johncmayer
about 22 hours ago from Twittelator

Cesar Millan: Have You Sniffed Someone's Butt Today?

"Dogs show us how much we can learn – they live in the moment. Try it!" -- @cesarmillan

Ice-T: The Best Things in Life Used to Be Free

"People get me so mad, I just wanna punch motherfuckas in the face!! MAN I miss being able to punch suckas in the grill without gettin sued!!" -- @FINALLEVEL

Lindsay Lohan: Inside Jokes Start Dating Rumors, FYI...

"@johncmayer shhhhhhhhhhhhhh butter-face :)" -- @lindsaylohan

Kim Zolciak: We Know What Kind of Hotels She Frequents

"Ok so I get in my hotel room climb in my bed and a bobby pin in chillin under the sheets! Better than a dirty condomn I guess!" -- @kimzolciak